HELLO, MY FRIEND

I’ve taken up a new hobby. In the last week, I’ve been sent two offers to share in part of a large sum of money from the bountiful country of Nigeria. I am certainly a lucky lucky guy. I because I’m such a sucker for a sure thing. I wrote back. Just like these individuals. Hey, it’s free entertainment.

The first letter I received from Barrister Abdulsalma Isa, Solicitor at Law, is shown below. Note his consistent use of capital letters throughout.

HELLO, I AM BARRISTER ABDULSALMA ISA, SOLICITOR AT LAW. I WAS THE PERSONAL ATTORNEY TO A FOREIGN NATIONAL WHO USED TO WORK WITH SHELL-DEVELOPMENT COMPANY IN NIGERIA UNTIL HIS DEATH ON THE 30th JANUARY 2000.

MY CLIENT, HIS WIFE AND THREE CHILDREN WERE INVOLVED IN A PLANE CRASH OF KENYA AIRLINE IN COTE D'IVOIRE. ALL ON BOARD THE AIRCRAFT DIED. SINCE THEN I HAVE MADE SEVERAL ENQUIRIES TO LOCATE ANY OF MY CLIENTS EXTENDED RELATIVES THIS HAS ALSO PROVED UNSUCCESSFUL. AFTER SEVERAL UNSUCCESSFUL ATTEMPTS TO LOCATE A MEMBER OF HIS FAMILY HENCE I AM CONTACTING YOU TO ASSIST IN MOVING THE MONEY AND PROPERTY LEFT BEHIND BY MY CLIENT OUT OF THE COUNTRY BEFORE THEY GET CONFISCATED OR DECLARED UNSERVICEABLE TO THE BANK WHERE THIS HUGE DEPOSIT WERE LODGED. BE INFORMED THAT THE FINANCE COMPANY WHERE THE DECEASED HAD AN ACCOUNT VALUED AT ABOUT USD15.7 MILLION DOLLARS HAS ISSUED ME A NOTICE TO PROVIDE THE NEXT OF KIN OR HAVE THE ACCOUNT CONFISCATED.
I SEEK YOUR CONSENT TO PRESENT YOU AS THE NEXT OF KIN OF THE DECEASED, SO THAT THE PROCEEDS OF THIS ACCOUNT VALUED AT USD18.5 MILLION DOLLARS CAN BE PAID TO YOU AND THEN YOU AND I CAN SHARE THE MONEY. 60% TO ME AND 40% TO YOU I HAVE ALL NECESSARY LEGAL DOCUMENTS THAT CAN BE USED TO BACK UP OUR CLAIMS.

ALL I REQUIRE IS YOUR HONEST COOPERATION TO ENABLE US SEEING THIS DEAL THROUGH. I GUARANTEE THAT THIS WILL BE EXECUTED UNDER A LEGITIMATE ARRANGEMENT THAT WILL PROTECT YOU FROM ANY BREACH OF THE LAW.

PLEASE GET IN TOUCH WITH ME AND PLEASE SEND TO ME YOUR TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS TO ENABLE US DISCUSS FURTHER ABOUT THIS TRANSACTION.

LOOKING FORWARD TO YOUR PROMPT RESPONSE.
BEST REGARDS, BARRISTER ABDULSALMA ISA

My response to this great offer is as follows. I tried to keep things interesting. I’m attempting to negotiate for a larger share of the money as well as make an offer to send my new Nigerian friend some wealth from America. To do all of this, we’ll need to use a secret code; details on how to construct such a code are included as well.

HELLO -

WHY DO YOU TYPE IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS? I USUALLY DESPISE INDIVIDUALS WHO FAIL TO FOLLOW NORMAL TYPOGRAPHICAL STANDARDS; HOWEVER, I HAVE REPLIED TO THIS LETTER IN AN IDENTICAL MANNER BECAUSE I DO NOT WISH TO OFFEND YOUR TYPOGRAPHICAL SENSIBILITIES. HA HA.

ANYWAY, DOWN TO BUSINESS.

WOW 15.7 MILLION. OR 18.5 MILLION. WHATEVER THE AMOUNT (WHAT IS A MILLION OR THREE BETWEEN FRIENDS SUCH AS YOU AND I) – THAT IS SO MUCH MONEY. I COULD REALLY DO A LOT OF GOOD FOR THE LOCAL ORPHANS WITH THAT KIND OF MONEY. AND I AM SURE IT WOULDN’T CHANGE ME A BIT AND THE KIDS WOULD LOVE IT. UNFORTUNATELY, I FEEL THAT THE NEXT OF KIN (AS I WOULD SO BE CALLED) SHOULD BE ENTITLED TO A FAR GREATER SHARE OF THE EARNINGS THAN 40%. I DO NOT THINK SMARMY LAWYERS DESERVE 60% OF THE SHARE OF ANYTHING. I AM SURE MY NEW RELATIVE, MR. FOREIGN NATIONAL (DOES THIS MAN HAVE A NAME? I NEED TO INCLUDE HIS FAMILY IN MY HOURLY DEVOTIONS), HIS WIFE, AND THEIR THREE LITTLE CHILDREN (BLESS THEIR LITTLE DEAD HEARTS) WOULD FEEL THE SAME WAY.

I ALSO HAVE ON OFFER FOR YOU. PERHAPS YOU WOULD BE INTERESTED IN HELPING ME OBTAIN MONEY FROM A DECEASED INDIVIDUAL HERE IN AMERICA. I HAVE ACCESS TO 28.72 USD THAT I WOULD LIKE TO SHARE WITH YOU. I AM LOOKING FOR A PLACE TO HIDE THE MONEY OVERSEAS; NIGERIA WAS MY FIRST CHOICE, WHAT WITH ALL THE HONEST AND REPUTABLE INDIVIDUALS THAT ATTEMPT TO SOLICIT MY HELP FROM THERE. NIGERIA MUST HAVE A LARGE POPULATION OF LAWYERS TO SUPPORT ALL OF ITS EFFORTS TO TRANSFER ITS WEALTH OVERSEAS VIA THESE CLANDESTINE EMAILS. HA HA.

UNFORTUNATELY, I DO NOT HAVE A TELEPHONE NUMBER. I AM AN AVID HAM RADIO OPERATOR, HOWEVER. CAN THIS TRANSACTION CONTINUE OVER SHORTWAVE? OR PERHAPS WE COULD SEND POSTCARDS BACK AND FORTH FROM OUR FAVORITE PLACES IN OUR RESPECTIVE COUNTRIES. WE CAN WRITE IN CODE WHEREBY EACH LETTER IS TRANSPOSED WITH A NUMBER THAT IS CALCULATED USING A ROTATING SECRET KEY THAT CORRESPONDS TO THE NTH PRIME NUMBER IN A SEQUENCE OF PRIME NUMBERS THAT RANGES FROM A RANDOMLY CHOSEN POSITION THAT IS CHOSEN VIA POSSSION DISTRIBUTION METHODS TO AN END POSITION THAT IS ALSO RANDOMLY CHOSEN, THIS ONE BEING DERIVED FROM THE SUM OF THE PREVIOUS DAY’S CLOSING INDEX OF THE NIGERIAN AND AMERICAN STOCK EXCHANGES MODULO THE NUMBER OF EARTHQUAKES THAT OCCURRED ON EARTH ON THE DAY OF THE MESSAGE COMPOSITION. THE NTH INDEX WOULD THEN BE DETERMINED BY THROWING DICE. I DO FEEL THAT MESSAGES ENCODED THIS WAY ARE SECURE AND CLOSED TO ANY SORT OF TAMPERING. WE CAN REALLY PULL A FAST ONE ON THE UNITED STATES POSTAL SERVICE AND ALSO THE GUY THAT DELIVERS MAIL IN NIGERIA.

KEEP IN TOUCH, MR. ABDUL BARISTA SALMON. I WISH YOU LUCK.

Update

It has now been one day since I sent this, and still no response. Is this how they normally conduct business in Nigeria? How rude.

May 8 2004