Basement Office

Confidential to the drunk guy at the concert last night

• I’ve never seen a grown man drinking Budweiser drunk by 7:30. But you and I run in different circles.
• Your family has been in Pittsburgh “for four generations?” Wow. I really don’t care, and telling me this amazing fact over and over makes me care even less. I suggest breaking the streak.
• Contrary to what you think, people did not pay $15 for the pleasure of watching you make an ass of yourself in front of the stage.
• The band can “kick it up a notch” and “rock the house down” without your helpful suggestions, thank you very much.
• Your efforts to sing along to songs that you, self-admittedly, “don’t know,” was sad to me, but was a great tribute to the thousands of poseurs who have gone before you.
• While your personal advice on love carried with it a hopeful message, I think I’ll stick to my guns. I’m happily married. Your fiance called off your wedding due to “trust issues.”
• Not everyone gets pulled aside by Peter Buck to be told to behave. Maybe his kids, but I know they are more considerate than you. Too bad you won’t remember the encounter.
• Watching you be escorted out of the concert gave us all great satisfaction. I especially relished the opportunity to tell you that “you suck” and that “you should leave” as you were making your way out.
• Be sure to pay your friend back for his ticket and the bar tab that he had to hurry up and pay as you were making your way out the door.
• Hair loss can be treated.
• But above all, you’re 42. Come on. You can (and should) turn this boat around.